The truth is...

the truth is, I am not a very good friend.

Or person.

I pretend to be. Try to be even. But I find words falling out of my mouth that I know are better left to suffocate. Smolder and die, but still i do it, regardless of how wrong or bad i know it to be. maybe its masochism or is it sadism? i'm too lazy to look them up right now.

anyway, here's a story.

Cosette wasn't really sure she was the kind of girl everyone thought she was. She had this constant nagging feeling somewhere in the back of her brain, one that was always urging her to improve herself. It was like she could never except the person she truly was and because of that, she spent the majority of her time trying to figure out who she was.

Things had been getting crazy for Cosette and it had happened so fast that her head was still spinning. One minute she had been on the top of the world, gaining everything. Now...now she didn't know what to think. She didn't like the change, but she couldn't bring herself to hate it either. She had decided that adopting a comfortable indifference was better than having any strong feelings towards the situation one way or the other.

Let's do a little digging.

So, I haven't touched this blog in ages...in fact, I'm surprised i still remember the log-in. Impressed even. A part of me wants to try to make something out of this website...now that I haven't been using it and it's proverbially collecting dust.

Well, that and I figure I need something to help me learn how to pretend to be sane again. If I just babble on here about how ridiculous my mind is, maybe I can figure out a way to control my thoughts and emotions...or at least maybe feel a little accomplished. That's something, right??

Playing Mind Games Leaves Me Drained.

So I'm finally into the fullswing of being an offical college student, though I can't say that I'm holding too tightly to the ranking here. Technically, I should be a freshman and I guess in all respects I am, but this world is just so much different. It's absolutely nothing like high school.

The freedom is pretty much overwhelming at first.

For instance, if you don't go to class there is no call home to your parents. If you decided that halfway through the class that you're bored, you can leave and no one will stop you. There are no calls up to the office, nothing. They don't care, which completely fucking rocks.

But then the reality of the whole thing settles on you and you realize, "Oh yeah, I'm paying for every minute of this."

That's when you stop enjoying the non-caring demeanor of the professors. That's when you realize that no one's gonna help you through this. You are out there on your own. Completely.

It's also when you realize that people are dumb as hell. I kid you not, I walked into college expecting to be the little kid in the corner crying because I don't understand what's going on. I expected everyone to be magically intelligent.

Boy, I couldn't have been further away from the actuality of it all.

They aren't smart. Most of them are like one level above grade school intelligence. And this is the part where my mom starts prattling on about how I should have gone to a university.

Thank you, mom. I had no idea.

And who was gonna pay the tuition bills?

Certainly it wasn't going to be me and my mother can't even pay her own bills, so that statement about university was an outright joke.

So, all things aside, I'm doing well in college. Still slacking and procrastinating, but I can see that all coming to an abrupt halt in the near future.

Things in other aspects of my life have all been snowballing into one huge clusterfuck. I have no trouble admitting that, whatsoever.

I'm not making enough to survive off of at work. Hell, I can't even make my portion of the bills any more, yet I mysteriously find ways to spend money on my best friend... oh right. I should have expected that to happen though, I mean my income wasn't enough to survive off of when I was working practically all the time. Now I work twice and week, for four hours. Yeah, its that pathetic.

Terry lost more of our new girls, so now its Kaila, Elaine, and myself. Three waitresses for the whole damn resturant. So he had me pulling doubles on the weekends. I was making a little more money that way.

Kat and her friend from Gumdo, Chris, are dating which I had a sneaking suspicion would happen. It also happened to spark this insane jealousy inside me so now every time you turn around I can't keep myself from thinking "Would she stop talking about him?? Especially when she knows what's going on with me." But that's the selfish section of my brain that I attempt to always push into a deep corner.

I am happy for her, really. I'm just sad that I can't have her luck. Which is another dumb thing to say.

Speaking of dumb things. Cheating. One of my friends came to me last night worried about whether or not her boyfriend was cheating on her with this girl I used to talk to alot. She asked me if, since I knew the girl I could find out for sure because she had asked all of the friends she knew that knew her boyfriend and they all denied it, but they were his friends too. Well, technically they aren't dating either, but they have some like... promise thing... going on or whatever. I told her I would do it, just because if there is cheating going on and I can find out then I'd do that for her. Suspecting something like that can drive someone insane.

I really don't want to talk to the girl though. She's bad news. She's been in nothing but trouble since after she turned 18. And I mean trouble in the way that can't even be considered minor or like a phase. I mean like the kind that are invovled with gangs and drugs and that sort of dumb bullshit.

But I said I would do it, so I'll do it. But I don't intend on talking to this girl after I found out the truth. She's ruined her life and there is no way I want her in mine with the things that she's done.

I don't think the guy is really cheating though. He's too good of a person to do that, but then again, the girl said that he has before, so there is reason for her to worry. If it was me, I won't take him back after the first time, but I guess it's different for everyone.

Curveball

Just when I get used to the way my world is on one hand I get thrown a curveball. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Not totally at least.

I went to my "One-Stop Session" and did the placement test, got my photo id, and turned in my financial aid forms. That all took place last Wednesday. I'm taking three classes, which is one class short of fulltime. I'm excited and a little scared (Ok, a lot of scared). I've never experienced a college level class and I'm wondering if I can keep up.

On Monday Hope, Kat, and I went to get books for classes, but to make a long story short we accomplished absolutely nothing at the college. Well, actually, that's a lie. Hope got her library/id card, so it was a lost cause. Plus we went to a chinese resturant and had a blast. In the long run it worked out nicely. Minus all three of us getting sick afterwards.

I think the asians poisoned us.

Today I went back to the college to check on my finanical aid and it had gone through. I was awarded 1,568 dollars which was ssooo awesome because it covered my tuition and my books with money to spare.

My schedule is about to become very full. I have taekwondo on Mondays, college on Tuesday, work and taekwondo on Wednesday, school on thursday, and work on friday. I'm on call for weekend shifts and a rotational Sunday schedule.

So, it could be a lot more full. I have Monday mornings free, tuesday and thursday nights free, friday night and most of my weekends.

Restarting Week- Not a great outlook

Today was an annoyingly productive day and yet I still didn't complete everything I set out to do, but still annoyingly productive all the same.

I got my oil changed... FINALLY. Which my poor car desperately needed. It was crying in the form of check engine lights. The poor automachanics didn't know that I had a crack in my windshield wiper fuild tank and went to top it off. It didn't end well for the guy underneth my car. He was drenched. It was funny.

I went to pick up my transcript, but I got there too late. I was so agitated about that. If the place I had went to hadn't been so busy I would have been ok, but the car place was busy and they did stuff to my transmission which took even more time.

So I basically went to the high school for no good reason. I did see Alex there though. Which was cool. I forgot he hadn't seen my haircut. It took him a second to realize it was me.

Then taekwondo which was a waste of my life today. I don't know, we just didn't do a whole lot other than jump over things do a couple kicks and Kat and I goofed off to the point where Master Choi was about to murder us. We kept talking, which I didn't even realize I was doing. Its just kind of second nature to me.

My friend brought his best friend to class which was an interesting experience to say the least. I don't think his friend liked me much, though, to be honest. It was like I annoyed him. Wow. That word is so spelled wrong, but whatever.

Yeah, so I kept trying to joke with him and what not... but I think I failed at first impressions with him. It was same with this kid's girlfriend. Maybe I'm just having an epic fail fest or something. I just feel off around new people recently. That's strange for me... usually I'm ok with new people, but I don't know. I just feel so... silly anymore.

Either way, this class was hardly worth it for me and highly disappointing.

College

There were things I used to do a lot more of when I was in high school. One of those things was write poetry. Granted, I knew then that my destiny was never to become a poet, it was still better than now. Now I sit down to write a poem and either blank out, write about lost love or how many things have gone wrong in my world, or have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm talking about by the end of it.

Either way I can't seem to even semi-like the stuff I come up with now. That is why the other blog I have has remained dormant since sometime in 2007. Yuck. That needs to change. I need intelligent, witty inspiration to egg me on to write wonderfully amazing stuff. Or, well, I'll settle for half-way decent stuff at least.

But enough about that.

I've realized that life is never going to fully agree with me. Surprizingly I find myself being more and more ok with this. The world would be very dull if I got what I wanted. In a masocistic sort of way I love that I can't have what I want. I hate it. But I love it.

Yeah, it doesn't make sense. It isn't supposed to.

I'm quite unhappy with certain people though. They need to stop playing games. They have what they need in life, now leave me out of it. I'm tired of these supposed good people that always seem to want my attention. Am I the only one that sees where it's going?

I'm a trophy, apparently. At least it's how I'm always treated. Something to be won. Be grateful, for what? Air-head morons fighting to see who can get closest to me? Right.

It's like the male species can't remain indifferent. The majority hate the sight of me and those that don't are working hard to get into my pants. The only indifferent men I have in my life are related to me. It's alarming and annoying. I'm treated like dirt on one hand and then slobbered on in the other.

Listen to me. I'm complaining again... it's sad that I can't talk without complaining. I should amend that.

Tomorrow is Taekwondo. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or dreading it. An equal mixture of both would work, I suppose. I also have to call my old high school tomorrow and ask about getting my transcript sent to Harford Community. I dread that. The secretaries at that school are the most vile human beings in existence. They are so mean for absolutely no reason other than the fact that they are miserable so others should be too.

I filled out my FASFA forms tonight and sent in a request for an 'One Stop' Session at the college. I hope the session is still available. If not, I might be in trouble because it is the last one before the start of the Spring Semester.

It's too late to worry now, either way.

Nineteen

My nineteenth birthday went down in not exactly the same fashion that I was used to. For example, my eighteenth birthday I spent the day pretending to be sick because I had absolutely no reason to be at school that day. It was a Tuesday, I only know that because this year it fell on a Wednesday.

The only thing I remember about my eighteenth birthday was that I took a shower and while I was washing away thoughts that had been weighing too heavily on my mind, I heard the door open. Mom was somewhere, at the office working on taxes if I remember right, so I knew it wasn't her. Normal people would freak. I didn't. Probably because I had heard the voice that had called into the seemingly empty house.

It had been Kat. She had come to my house. I had no idea what for because at the time she and I were having problems. (Thanks to the lies of an idiotic trouble starting teenage girl) When I got out of the shower I found the envolope she had left for me. A birthday present of sorts.

She had wrote me a nostalgic letter about days past and given me little gifts, wishing me the best on my birthday. I cried. I think I called her to thank her, if I remember right. Her voice was dead when she answered the phone and I knew that, presents aside, things were still the same. I promptly returned to moping.

My family, unhelpfully, threw a small party. I don't remember much of that either, I tend to block out painful memories.

That's besides the point. I spent all year with the idea in my head that I would just let my nineteenth birthday slip by unnoticed. Of course, things never seem to work out in quite the way I plan them. Instead, people I hadn't talked to in decades and those who have only known me for months ended up wishing me a happy birthday.

All thanks to a certain someone. Krista.

I have to admit, note grudgingly so, that it was sweet of her. She even made me a cake with all the things she knows that I like. I'm not entirely sure as to why she felt the need to make such a fuss over it, other than the fact that I was dreading it.